A Treatise on My Distate for Halloween

In thinking about my next topic to blog upon (to blog on? to blog about?), I recalled one of my oh-so-favorite issues to discuss and debate... the misery that is Halloween. Now, I realize that Halloween has come and gone for this particular calendar year. However, since I saw Christmas trees for sale at Target in September, I have realized that holiday preparations are now permitted starting 364 days prior to said holiday. So in fact, this topic is extremely timely, as Halloween is only 346 days away....

So, Halloween... I really despise it. And, lucky reader, I'm going to tell you all about why...

Reason number one that I loathe October 31st: My first reason requires a bit of a history lesson on Halloween (or simply some common sense). The history lesson comes here... Halloween is often thought to have derived from the Celtic celebration called Samhain, which signifies the transition from the "lighter half" of the year to the "darker half" of the year (once again, thank you Wikipedia, purveyor of all useless knowledge). I really don't have to say very much about this. Who likes dark? And cold? And the coming of digging my car at 5:15 a.m. with a broom doubling as a shovel (yes, I will buy a shovel this year)? To me, Halloween is the key indicator that summer fun is behind us, fall is quickly turning into winter, and soon I'll have to buy my eighteenth pair of gloves in five years (I can't help that I always lose one of them!).

Reason number two: I don't like to be scared. I just don't. Another little lesson, this time on psychology, or neurobiology more accurately. Fear is an emotion thought be processed by the amygdala and evolved as a  response to a perceived threat. As we all know, it's related to a fight or flight response in each of us, and as I am a pacifist, I choose the latter. I tend to want to get the hell out of dodge when there's something frightening. And so I'm regularly baffled when people pay good money to have out of work actors jump out of them in goblin costumes. Justin will do that for free. As a side note, did you know that the Terror Behind the Walls - a haunted prison in Philly - is 40 bucks a pop? 40 DOLLARS to pee my pants!?!?! No, thank you. So in conclusion to this point, fear does not equal fun in my book.

Reason number three (and my most commonly cited reason): Costumes freak me out. Seriously. All of your friends and loved ones not looking like themselves, lurking behind face paint and hair dye, or, worse yet, wearing their grade school cheerleading outfit. I just don't need to see that. In general, costumes seem to fall into two categories, at least for women. The first is scary costumes. Please see above for explanation as to why I don't like these costumes. The other is the "sexy" costume. You know the ones. The sexy cop, or sexy nurse, or sexy baseball player. I seriously believe costume companies could make a sexy garbage collector and it would be eaten up. Why must "sexy" be in the title of 98% of the costume options for women (or "cute" for the other 2%). What if I want to be the brave cop, or the intelligent nurse, or the athletic baseball player? Nope, not at this store. Go down the street to the invisible Costumes for the Feminists store. You'll find quite a wide selection.

So there are the major reasons that I dislike this holiday that others appear to find so magical. Don't get me wrong, I will never turn down a Reece's pumpkin. Those things are like crack. But I'll pass on the dark coming of long winter months, the $40 fear factory, and the pressure to dress like a slut in the name of a holiday. Now, some of you (or all of you) might be saying, This chick really needs to lighten up! And you'd be in good company, and fairly correct. But I'll lighten up when Thanksgiving rolls around. Food and family and Christmas sales.... now that's a holiday I can get into.