The Little Things...

I don't think any strangers read this little blog, so I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about my fair wife. Ashley has many qualities that make her absolutely incredible (but I don't think anyone has any desire to read about those), and at the same time she has many… idiosyncrasies… that just make me shake my head and laugh when does them. So my intention is to let you know about a few of my favorite little tidbits about Ashley.

When you buy a new article of clothing the tag is always attached using a small plastic hang piece that is pierced through the clothes. Somehow Ashley has the unique ability to ALWAYS tear off the tag while leaving the plastic piece sticking out of the clothes. I sometimes wonder if she thinks it’s part of the actual clothing, like a fashion accessory or something. A few months back I distinctly remember she was getting ready for work, looking good as usual, then she does a little spin for me to see how she looks, and there, sticking out of her back is her favorite plastic tag holder… I laugh, shake my head and go for the scissors.

The other week I was doing the laundry (yes I do laundry - as little as possible, but I do it) and I was folding a pair of Ashley's underwear when I find her favorite accessory sticking in them. Alright, must be a new pair... no, wait. I've seen her wearing this pair for at least the last year. A year, really? It was on an inside tag, but doesn't it itch? Isn't it at least annoying? Later that night I ask her about it and she tells me it's no big deal... I just shake my head and smile while I now cut the tags off of all her new clothes.

Next, Ashley hates when I need to teach her things. I mean HATES! As a little example we have recently decided that we need to stop being ignorant Americans and learn another language... That's good right. We're really excited to learn something new and even better do it together. So we decide that what better language to learn in this day in age than Spanish (well maybe Mandarin but that seemed a little too ambitious, plus I figure it's probably only 10 years until China takes over the world, so we can learn Mandarin then).

I explained to Ash that I took 3 years of Spanish in high school, and was pretty horrible then and I am sure to be exponentially worse now. So as our very romantic 1st anniversary present to each other we buy a language learning computer program to help guide our process. We set the plan - 45 minutes a night 5 days a week. The first day, lesson numero uno, and I recall literally one Spanish word and Ashley gets mad at me because she doesn’t like being taught by me.

She then goes off on a tangent saying that I know how to do everything and I always have to teach her everything and she never gets to teach me anything. I tell her how there are billions of things to know and I probably know 3 of them, she then lists three things that I know and have taught her and gets more upset. I tell her we could lean mandarin instead and she tells me to shut up. I just smile and shake my head... she assures me this is not a good time for laughing.


Third… Ashley loves to paint her nails. I don’t mean she does it like once a week like most women. In one day I’ve seen her paint and remove said paint at least 3 times. Every time she does I assure her that she is giving me brain cancer from the fumes, she glares at me and continues with the paint and remove routine. I sometimes wonder if she is just trying to kill me off.

Honestly though, Ashley has been cursed with extremely brittle nails. She will go to pet the cat and somehow break four nails in half; I’ve never seen anything like it. However, I can’t help but think that the brittleness is due to all the excessive application and removal of paint using harsh chemicals that they scent with coconut oil so you feel like the fumes aren’t really eating your brain. When I suggest this theory to Ashley she tells me I’m ridiculous, the coconut oil helps moisturize her nails… sure. Since the “moisturizing” chemicals didn’t seem to help she decided to buy some nail strengthening stuff paint to help out. So now she will precisely paint then strengthen… and remove three times. Honestly I think she just wanted to be able to paint more. I watch her, smile, and shake my head while I put on my fumes mask.

Fourth… Since the day I met Ashley I have probably heard the sentence "my eyes hurt" no less than 5 million times… literally. I have taken her to the emergency room at least twice for her eyes, and those are just the times when it got so bad she couldn’t see.

Now one would think that if you had a lot of eye problems you would take exceptionally good care of your eyes to make sure no more problems arise. Three years ago she left her contacts in for MONTHS at a time, then one day she complained that her eyes were killing her, she couldn’t understand why. I secretly thought that maybe it had something to do with her eye actually growing over the contact…

After that emergency room visit, things got better for a little while. She would leave them in for a couple of weeks at a time. Then came the next emergency room visit. Shortly followed by an emergency morning rush to the eye doctor because her eyes hurt so bad she couldn’t drive herself to the doctor. Literally since the first ER visit I have heard complaints about her eyes every day. I do have to give her some credit though, she has been slightly better about taking care of her eyes, while still complaining about them hourly.

So, two weeks ago we were hanging out at home and she lost her contact case and she asked me to look around for it. So I find one of her cases, look inside, no contacts, but what I do find is utterly amazing. I find my third grade science fair project in her contact case. She had solution in there, along with hairs, crumbs, dust, and an elephant, truly remarkable. It all became clear to me… her eyes have hurt for the last 3 years because she never takes out her contacts and when she does she puts them into solution that The Swamp Thing could comfortable thrive in. I smile and shake my head slowly.

I think we finally have her eyes figured out, she just needs to change the solution once every couple decades and all future problems may be avoided. We go to the optomologist last week for her to get a check up, find out all the crazy things wrong with her eyes, and then she gets new glasses, which is great because they will be the proper strength, and she will be able to take her contacts out every now and again. So she picks up the new specs today after much waiting and tells me “they are ok, I don’t love them” It will never end.

As an introduction to the final topic I’d like to say I HATE washing dishes. On top of not liking to wash dishes, I’m incredibly paranoid about making sure the dishes are immaculately clean, meaning it takes forever, which makes it all even worse.

Then of course we move into an apartment without a dishwasher. PERFECT! So, Ash and I will take turns at this hellish task. It worked great… for about a day. Then I saw our “clean” dishes after Ashley’s turn. To say they were still dirty was a drastic understatement, to say they still had food stuck to them doesn’t do the situation justice. Somehow she found a way to get more food stuck onto the “clean” plates, forks, knives, and bowls than was on them as our meal.

So I ask her about our dishes, telling her they probably aren’t safe to eat off in this condition, she assures me that I’m only being anal about the whole thing and to stop worrying. I now run to the sink as soon as we are done eating to make sure I get to be the one to do the dishes… It might be a little overboard, but I’d rather spend 20 minutes washing a spoon than be sick for a month from food poisoning contracted from eating 4 day-old chicken that was stuck to my plate. Every once in a while I will still remove a dish from the cupboard only to be surprised by last week’s lasagna on my plate; smile and shake my head while pulling out the industrial strength detergent.

I know it sounds like I’ve complained a lot about my wife, it’s true, I have. But in the end it truly does keep every-day life interesting, and I don’t know that I would want it any other way. While I may now have exceptionally dry hands from all the dish-washing, she always keeps me company while I wash away, which makes it well worth it. We kind of get to deal with each other’s idiosyncrasies, shake our heads and smile a lot, but in the end I’m insanely happy and wouldn’t change a thing (except maybe for her to change the solution in her contact case from time to time).